As you may know, I do a monthly Facebook live session which is now on the first Monday monthly, at 6 pm. In today's email I wanted to talk to you about one of the live sessions we had recently, on the topic of dealing with difficult people.
The video below is taken from a recent Facebook live session where we talk about this topic, and give you some effective ways to handle difficult people. (The first 12 minutes give you more information about the Facebook live sessions in general, or you can start the video at 12:00 for the topic content.)
Here are examples of the different kinds of difficult people:
1. Boundary violator-this type of person manipulates people, totally disregard another person's boundaries, and will and do so repeatedly.
2. Energy vampires-this type of person usually has the martyr syndrome, and will drain your energy whenever you are around them--whether it is for a day or an hour. They will completely exhaust you until they feel better and you feel worse. They plug into you energetically, and pull on your life force. This may be either intentional or unintentional, but regardless, they are always a drain
3. Toxic people-this type of person lives from their pain body. This means that no matter what you say or do, or how nicely or kind you try to interact with them, they will always respond with something negative and toxic, because that is who they are. They hear something totally different from what you may have said to them. Many times they will totally construe what you said, and in their mind that is what they believe.
4. Sociopaths-this is someone who has no conscience. A sociopath does not have the proper heart-to-brain connection so they typically don't feel any real compassion or real caring for others. They will manipulate you for whatever they want without guilt. They will say and do things to make you question your own reality and sanity...this is sometimes called gaslighting.
5. Just difficult-these people don't really fall into any of the above categories, but they are the type of people who are just hard to be around. For whatever reason, your personalities or energies clash and you don't get along.
6. Narcissists-they have the mistaken belief that they are the center of everyone's world, and that they belong there. They do not take ownership of their errors, have little empathy, and feel entitled. They will project a persona that is 180 degrees from who/what they really are, and batter others to nourish their own deficiencies.
A bit more about gaslighting you need to be aware of:
In number 4 I mentioned gaslighting and want to expand on that a little more. This is when a person will do things intentionally to make you question your own reality and sanity. They will deny something happened, or lie about you to others. They will deny they said something even if you have proof, and will use anything they can as ammunition against you. What they say and do will never match and they constantly try and wear you down. They will also try and confuse you, as that can weaken your energy. They project what they are doing wrong in their lives onto you, and accuse you of the same thing to take the focal point off of them. And they will always try to convince others that you are the crazy one.
So how do to deal with these types of people?
1. Get clear on your boundaries! Difficult people may not know what your boundaries are. Be very clear with them on what your boundaries are, and what their consequences will be if they do not honor your boundaries. I once visited my step-mother (a narcissist) and she resorted to name-calling. I told her that if she did that again, I would leave. A few minutes later she started in again so I packed up and left. It was a defining moment for me and on my next visit she did try harder to curb her negative words.
2. You have to hold your boundaries and communicate them to the other person very clearly, so there is no misunderstanding whatsoever. These type of people will try immediately to break your boundaries. Follow through on your boundaries that you set and hold strong! They may get angry, try and make you feel guilty, or yell...but you have to follow through in order to shift the energy that they project. Your following through keeps you in your integrity, by you honoring your own word. Allowing someone to treat you poorly gives them permission to continue their behavior. This sends a message that they can just repeat their behavior again the next time. You do them a favor by holding true to the consequences.
3. Eliminate contact from toxic people when possible. Pull away from casual friends or acquaintances, (or online friends) that are negative and drain your energy.
4. When it's not possible (i.e. a family member, spouse, or coworker) then limit your time spent around them, and your time and talking to them. For example, let them know in advance that you can only stay for an hour, or can only talk for 10 minutes, and leave or end the conversation to honor that boundary.
5. Honor yourself with a lot of self care when dealing with difficult people. They can easily trigger you into negative reactions (which can be fine in the moment) but afterwards, honor yourself with lots of self care to get back into balance.
It is easy to become involved with toxic people and not be aware of it at all.
This is especially true in romantic relationships where everything is glorious and euphoric in the beginning...that can be a huge red flag. When there is someone new in your life, really tune in to their behavior, take a good look at it, and trust your instincts!
Please click here to watch the video to get the rest of the tips on how to
deal with difficult people.